The Manicou Report

At about minutes to three on Sunday afternoon while farmer Ronald John was tending to his animals, he was witness to a gang of rabid Pompecks from the neighbouring farm who had raided his farm, gang raped and subsequently slaughtered three of his goats.

Farmer John recalls standing a ways off cleaning up the residue of a Petrotrin oil spill that killed 4 of is ducks including his lucky four-legged duck nicknamed ‘All Fours’. Not even an extra pair of legs could save All Four’s jack from being hanged.

Farmer John said that while washing down the oil spill with 2 gallons of leaded gasoline and a yard broom, the gang of rabid Pompecks tore down his brand new barbed wire fence and squared off with the goats grazing in the open. The goats put up a good fight but one by one they were eventually subdued and taken advantage off. The goats were able to run a short distance before collapsing into the oil spill.

Police who were called to the scene didn’t show up. It wasn’t their fault this time, though as they were on their way but were given a “bad drive”, which caused them to swerve into the westbound lane and veer into the path of an oncoming Ministry of National Security vehicle. Two of officers survived, but the third who was rushed to the Dr. Eric Williams Medical Sciences Complex, later succumbed to the irony of being hit by a National Security vehicle.

However, had the officers shown up, they would have reported that the goats had a criminal history dating back many years and had several matters before the courts. They would also have said that the goats were suspects in a series of robberies up and down the East/West Corridor. They would also have suspected that the attack was a revenge killing for last week’s murder of a Poodle/Doberman mix nicknamed “Chinee”.

National Security minister Martin Joseph has said that while there has been a decrease in the increase of goat rape there is still work to be done to halt the scourge. He also added that the Ministry of National Security is working assiduously to ensure that something like this does happen again so that the population will become numb to it and will quit grumbling about the crime rate already.

Closed Circuit cameras lining the streets to the farm were checked for any recordings, but it was discovered that although they were paid, they’ve never really worked. Luckily, however, the blimp was hovering overhead and recorded some video of the incident which is officially available via Bluetooth from all participating high school students.