The Manicou Report

Martin Joseph

This past Saturday Minister of National Security Martin Joseph courageously projected that the murder rate for 2006 won’t be as bad as that of 2005. Said he,”I am sure that we are not going to be as bad as we were in 2005.”

That’s the problem with Trinidad and Tobago today - we don’t have enough ballsy politicians. The Minister must be relieved that the murder rate is still hovering around 360 with only 13 killing days left in the year. As of now it doesn’t look like the murder rate will surpass last year’s 389 total.

So you there young grasshopper, do you want to be bold like Martin Joseph? You want to know what it feels like to make daring predictions? Well here’s your chance. This is what you must do:

Set an arbitrarily high murder rate figure. Think of this as a twisted version of The Price is Right. So instead of not going over, make sure not to go under. You don’t want to guess too low and have the murder rate surpass your estimate. That will make you look like an ass. Additionally, guessing too low will make it look as though things are completely out of your control.

You do however want to guess too high - but only just a little. Beware, because this is where it gets tricky. Do not under any circumstances guess a murder rate that surpasses last year’s total. This will illustrate how ineffective you’ve been throughout the year. You don’t want the voters to know that you are ineffective - at the very least you don’t want to give them more proof. So estimate the murder rate just below last year’s total, but not too much. Remember that rum-fueled murder-suicides are common at the end of the year, and a quarrel over a burnt ham or a spouse’s drinking could leave a whole family dead and your bracket all messed up. A three-murder cushion is good. So in Martin Joseph’s case, guess 386.

Finally admit to yourselves that this is by no means a contract, a promise or a guarantee. You don’t owe anybody anything. If it turns out that you were right, say, “I told you so”. Also, add that you reconfirm the government’s commitment to reducing the crime levels “currently being experienced by the country”, and that the drop in the crime levels is testament to the strides being made by the Government to rid the country of the crime scourge yadda, yadda, yadda. It may also be a good practice to condemn the naysayers who didn’t think that sub-386 was possible.

If you were wrong, say it was just an estimate and how yuh didn’t promise nobody nothing. The crime problem won’t be solved overnight, there is still a long way to go, but the Government is committed blah, blah, blah. Condemn the naysayers anyway.

*Adendum - Apparently the murder rate for 2005 was 386. So Mr. Joseph didn’t arbitrarily choose a number that wouldn’t be crossed, he was just stating that our rate this year won’t surpass last year’s. He’s still an idiot though. But I apologise for my mistake.