The Manicou Report

There are just so many fetes nowadays and apparently fete-promoters all use the same language. You’ve heard them on their loud speakers cruising like molasses though your neighbourhoods.

Apparently all you need to do to promote a fete is to mount two horn speakers on a car and drive as slowly as possible to get as many people as possible to come to your party. You’ve heard all the promises before: a well-stocked bar, music will be supplied by a popular DJ. Now the key is to figure out what they actually mean by the things they say so that when you eventually do get to the party you won’t be surprised. So what I’ve done here is to compile the list of the most popular fete-promotion lines in order to tell you what they actually mean to the consumers like you and me.

Lots of Eats
Limited array of food of dubious quality. The food is greasy and the servings are small. It was cooked by fat women who have beards and armpit hair. The fat, hairy women sweat profusely so they fan themselves continuously. They talk over the food while they cook it and you get as much saliva in your food as if you had tongue-wrestled them for 2 minutes each.

A well-stocked bar
The drinks are way too expensive. On top of that the fete promoters didn’t hire enough bartenders. The bartenders are fitted with blinkers and even though you’ve been standing up front for 15 minutes, they pretend

they don’t see you. The wannabe-saga-boy bartender is only taking orders from the patrons with breasts.

Getting a beer means having to stand in the crowd for at least 15 minutes jammed up against sweaty people. You stand there with your money in your hands wondering if it’s worth it and deciding that you won’t be the one coming back for drinks. Finally a bartender gets you your Shandy Sorrel when you really asked for a Carib. Before you can complain she’s already she’s already taking orders from the next customer.

You take your wet change off the counter and the Shandy you didn’t ask for and go back to your seat, where you, now dying from thirst, down your drink in minutes.

On the other hand, “All you can drink” usually means that you’ll receive a certain number of drink-chits. You can drink all of those if you wish. The free drinks will all be beer, cheap rum and cheap-vodka screwdrivers. Good luck at the under-staffed bar.

Music will be supplied by a popular DJ

You have never heard of this guy before. It’s likely that the fete-promoters have never heard of him before. His only claim to being popular is that it’s popular to pelt him with bottles. He works cheap though, so they hire him. He plays 80’s crap like Mickey and Frankie and you stand there wondering who hired this man.

Gates open at 3pm
The fete will only get underway at 4:29 pm. The speakers were made by the DJ’s wife’s cousin. The sound equipment was lent to him by his nephew. The DJ has no idea how to hook them both together. He calls his wife’s cousin and his nephew over but they are getting beers at the bar and don’t want to give up their spots. The nephew and obscure cousin finally get over to the DJ booth at 4:10 only to realize that their relative really has no idea how to hook up his sound equipment to his speakers. They finally get them hooked up and at 4:29 pm the DJ plays his first song. He plays 80’s crap like Mickey and Frankie and you stand there wondering who hired this man.

Tickets are $100, at the door you pay more
Nowhere near enough tickets will be printed. You probably won’t find any at the locations. So you will have to pay more at the door. The idiots they hire to man the door won’t have enough change.

Security for parked cars

“Parked cars” refers to the patrons who are lucky to get there early enough to have their cars parked in the fete-promoter’s undersized lot. The cars that are not parked in the lot will likely be stolen or tampered with so don’t be surprised to find your windows smashed or wheels stolen. It won’t matter anyway because security will have his friend sneak him beers and he will become drowsy and by 11:15 will to go home. He’s no longer paying attention to the cars in the lot. The parked cars aren’t so lucky after all.

Xtatic

Xtatic has two other commitments that night and will be late. They won’t take the stage till just before the party is due to end. However they will come on stage, Machel will shake his waist and will prove that the fete-promoters are not complete liars.

3 pm till…
At 12:45, the neighbours will call the police to complain that they have to go to work the next day and the party is making too much noise. The police will saunter over there at 1:45 and they will put an end to the party. The DJ, although glad to have an end to the party, asks the police for 15 minutes more so that he can save face for the promoters that gave him his break. Also’ he doesn’t want to be pelted for the third time in a row. The party ends at 2:00 am. He is pelted regardless.