The Manicou Report

Deciphering the Fete-Promotion Lingo

There are just so many fetes nowadays and apparently fete-promoters all use the same language. You’ve heard them on their loud speakers cruising like molasses though your neighbourhoods.

Apparently all you need to do to promote a fete is to mount two horn speakers on a car and drive as slowly as possible to get as many people as possible to come to your party. You’ve heard all the promises before: a well-stocked bar, music will be supplied by a popular DJ. Now the key is to figure out what they actually mean by the things they say so that when you eventually do get to the party you won’t be surprised. So what I’ve done here is to compile the list of the most popular fete-promotion lines in order to tell you what they actually mean to the consumers like you and me.

Lots of Eats
Limited array of food of dubious quality. The food is greasy and the servings are small. It was cooked by fat women who have beards and armpit hair. The fat, hairy women sweat profusely so they fan themselves continuously. They talk over the food while they cook it and you get as much saliva in your food as if you had tongue-wrestled them for 2 minutes each.

A well-stocked bar
The drinks are way too expensive. On top of that the fete promoters didn’t hire enough bartenders. The bartenders are fitted with blinkers and even though you’ve been standing up front for 15 minutes, they pretend

they don’t see you. The wannabe-saga-boy bartender is only taking orders from the patrons with breasts.

Getting a beer means having to stand in the crowd for at least 15 minutes jammed up against sweaty people. You stand there with your money in your hands wondering if it’s worth it and deciding that you won’t be the one coming back for drinks. Finally a bartender gets you your Shandy Sorrel when you really asked for a Carib. Before you can complain she’s already she’s already taking orders from the next customer.

You take your wet change off the counter and the Shandy you didn’t ask for and go back to your seat, where you, now dying from thirst, down your drink in minutes.

On the other hand, “All you can drink” usually means that you’ll receive a certain number of drink-chits. You can drink all of those if you wish. The free drinks will all be beer, cheap rum and cheap-vodka screwdrivers. Good luck at the under-staffed bar.

Music will be supplied by a popular DJ

You have never heard of this guy before. It’s likely that the fete-promoters have never heard of him before. His only claim to being popular is that it’s popular to pelt him with bottles. He works cheap though, so they hire him. He plays 80’s crap like Mickey and Frankie and you stand there wondering who hired this man.

Gates open at 3pm
The fete will only get underway at 4:29 pm. The speakers were made by the DJ’s wife’s cousin. The sound equipment was lent to him by his nephew. The DJ has no idea how to hook them both together. He calls his wife’s cousin and his nephew over but they are getting beers at the bar and don’t want to give up their spots. The nephew and obscure cousin finally get over to the DJ booth at 4:10 only to realize that their relative really has no idea how to hook up his sound equipment to his speakers. They finally get them hooked up and at 4:29 pm the DJ plays his first song. He plays 80’s crap like Mickey and Frankie and you stand there wondering who hired this man.

Tickets are $100, at the door you pay more
Nowhere near enough tickets will be printed. You probably won’t find any at the locations. So you will have to pay more at the door. The idiots they hire to man the door won’t have enough change.

Security for parked cars

“Parked cars” refers to the patrons who are lucky to get there early enough to have their cars parked in the fete-promoter’s undersized lot. The cars that are not parked in the lot will likely be stolen or tampered with so don’t be surprised to find your windows smashed or wheels stolen. It won’t matter anyway because security will have his friend sneak him beers and he will become drowsy and by 11:15 will to go home. He’s no longer paying attention to the cars in the lot. The parked cars aren’t so lucky after all.

Xtatic

Xtatic has two other commitments that night and will be late. They won’t take the stage till just before the party is due to end. However they will come on stage, Machel will shake his waist and will prove that the fete-promoters are not complete liars.

3 pm till…
At 12:45, the neighbours will call the police to complain that they have to go to work the next day and the party is making too much noise. The police will saunter over there at 1:45 and they will put an end to the party. The DJ, although glad to have an end to the party, asks the police for 15 minutes more so that he can save face for the promoters that gave him his break. Also’ he doesn’t want to be pelted for the third time in a row. The party ends at 2:00 am. He is pelted regardless.

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Another one for the cabal

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
— George Carlin

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Watch.Talk.Click

Columbus Communications: Inventing new ways to get your money everyday

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A Limerick for the Cabal

So since my last limerick dedicated to Brent Sancho, I’ve been growing in confidence and I decided to pen this limerick dedicated to the UNC cabal. I think I’m liking this one. You think I have a future in this limerick business? Give me some backchat to let me know. Here it is:

There one was a man called Warner,
Who with Persad-Bissessar,
Conspired to boot, the one called Dooks,
Now their party’s a threat no longer.

- A poem by The Manicou

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Dookeran gets the Axe

I honestly did try to blog about something different today because I wanted to get off the Winston Dookeran issue. I’ve blogged on this Dookeran/Kamla issue quite a few times,

not because there isn’t anything else going on in the country, but there are just so many fantastic idiots in the UNC Executive doing fantastically idiotic things I just can’t not touch. It’s an itch I have to scratch.

Last night Dookeran was booted from the party by a no-confidence motion executed by the UNC cabal. I’m still amazed at the quality of the stupidity of that group and the level of the stupidity they must feel that that the people of Trinidad & Tobago share with them.

How can the UNC Execs treat Mr. Dookeran like garbage when he has so many followers andso many supporters? What exactly are they thinking over there in Kamlaland? I know that they will live to regret it. And in 2007 they’ll sit around looking glum wondering what happened. If I were in the PNM I’d be celebrating right now. Half my job for ’07 has been done for me. There’s not a shred of credibility left to attack me now. The goal is wide open. Why not call a general election right now?

Anywhere that Mr. Dookeran goes, he will have my support. I wish though he wouldn’t fight in court simply because they are not worth the effort.

Sorry to say it, but Power 102’s Anil Roberts has it all wrong. Up till yesterday Anil has been advocating the removal of Mr. Dookeran in favour of giving Mr. Ramesh Lawrence the helm. Ramesh Lawrence Maharaj?

Honestly? You really want to let that snake back into the door? The guy single-handedly-toppled the UNC out of Government had a verbal brawl with Mr. Panday and soon enough, they are all chummy-chummy again. No explanation given as to why all the differences they’ve had has disappeared like Scarborough Hospital money. None is needed. Because we’re all idiots. Of course at that point, he lost all chance of me ever having any respect for him and his crooked mouth. And yes, that crooked mouth. I’m not sure how much it bothers anyone else, but I’m wary of it. There are three kinds of people I will never trust: surgeons with shaky hands, salesmen with twitchy eyes and politicians with crooked mouths..

Mr. Roberts, it’s not that in the UNC they have freedom to disagree. But when they do disagree openly they get fired. See: Robin Montano, Manohar Ramsaran, Winston Dookeran, and many others.

Anil says that it’s because Mr. Maharaj disagrees with the idea of the ALCOA smelter. Fine, I hate the smelter too. But after we sell our souls to the lowest bidder (Ramesh Lawrence Maharaj), then what? We are stuck with him, that’s what. We do have other issues in Trinidad besides the smelter. What’s going to happen to us after the smelter is gone? Do I really want to make Ramesh Lawrence Maharaj in charge of my life? Not Likely.

Exactly how cheap are our votes here? Anyway I just have to say that the UNC has lost big today and the only thing they get right is to make the worthless PNM party look like a viable option.

*By the way if you’ve never caught the program “Breaking Barriers” on the IBN channel 8 with Mr. Inshan Ishmael, you should try to. It comes on at 8pm every Wednesday and is a breath of fresh air. Gosh, I wish there were more people like him in our country and in Government. He represents what I hope other people in Trinidad to be like.

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Winston & Kamla

So earlier today I blogged on the controversy in the UNC right now involving Kamla Persad-Bissessar and Winston Dookeran. There was actually another of Aesop’s fables that I wanted to compare it to but I couldn’t remember exactly what it was at the time. I’ve only just remembered it. It’s called The Wolf and the Lamb.

Hmmm. What do you think?

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How can you not like this guy?

Silvio Spann

Trinidad definitely needs more people like Silvio Spann. Even though he was snubbed by the Czar, Manning, he accepted his very late award and was so humble and appreciative. He just accepted the award with no hard feelings and it was obvious how pleased he was. And he deserves it too.

After accepting the award, he said that he was going to give 10% to his church and also buy his mother a house. How can you not like him? Especially when there are so many people who are so selfish and only concerned about “me”. It’s so refreshing

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Running Dookeran

Your name is Kamla Persad-Bissessar. You want to have your party, the UNC form the next Government. You are Opposition Leader though by dubious means. However there’s one little problem.

Persad Bissessar

To become the Prime Minister in 2007, you must become the Political Leader now. However, the position isn’t vacant and not only that, but it’s newly filled. You want to remove Winston Dookeran. However there is no plausible reason. None of the tried and true reasons for removing a person from the UNC such as betraying your party so that it’s removed from Government, lying about a London bank account, cooking and eating little children, apply. You are stumped.

Winston Dookeran

Your new campaign against the ruling PNM has been that their own leader, Mr. Patrick Manning, is becoming a dictator. To illustrate this you have mentioned “Forbes Burnham” and “Patrick Manning” in the same sentence the way most people mention “John O’Halloran” and “crooked bastard”. However you don’t want people to know that you are a hypocrite - at least not just yet.

Then how the hell do you remove Winston Dookeran from the position of the political leader of the UNC without a valid reason?

You know Dooks is a good guy although he does seem a little soft sometimes.

Hmmm…..remove Dookeran……..remove Dookeran.

Suddenly it dawns on you. You do not need a valid reason! It’s the United National Congress! In the UNC there’s a strong tradition of retarded reasons - a celebration even. You think back to the election result overturn involving Gerald Yetming and you get excited. You salivate. You think back to Stephen Montano’s firing and you get a warm and fuzzy feeling that shocks you (being cold-blooded and all). The gods are with you.

“I know! I’ll get all my like-minded pond scum buddies to agree with me! The people will accept whatever I tell them. They are all sheep anyway. They are stupid and have that that 7-day memory we all talk about. And who cares what they have to say anyway I am Opposition Leader and my decisions stands. I don’t care what any Tom, Dick or Harrilal has to say about it…..”

(wait for it)

(wait for it)

Damn! It’s that damn dictator trap all over again. You walk right into it. It feels strangely familiar to you and you’re not sure why, but you get the warm fuzzies again and it shocks you yet again.

My problem with the UNC fiasco is this:

1. Winston Dookeran is the elected political leader of the party fair and square. Even more so considering the caliber of the clowns they had running the election over there.
2. Trinidad & Tobago is a completely democratic country.
   
3. However when Mr. Dookeran was supposed to assume the post of Opposition Leader, Kamla & Co. stole it away from him, citing the stupidest reasons I have ever heard coming from any mature, intelligent, educated adult. What grave sin did Mr. Dookeran commit? Well, (and this is a classic) “he didn’t support Basdeo Panday in his recent trial”. (Honestly, what does that have to do with anything? Especially since Panday was found guilty as sin. So let me help you keep score here. He’s not the Political Leader because “he didn’t support his political leader in his trial” - who was eventually found guilty anyway. Hmm.) Of course that’s the exact same reason why Mr. Panday didn’t hand the post over to him when he won the election. Mr. Panday, you see, is psychic. However, not so psychic as to not sign Mr. Dookeran’s nomination papers.
4. How then does Kamla & Company reconcile the undemocratic measures taken by the party executive with the fact that her party wants to form the next Government of the democratic state of T&T? How can she and her group want to uphold the rule of law and the constitution of Trinidad & Tobago, when it’s not even observed in the U.N.C.?
5. And lastly, H.T.F is she not a dictator herself?

We have a weak Government and an even weaker Opposition. All I want is a party to vote for to remove the jokers now in office. “Get in line,” I’m told, “get in line”.

Posted in Humour, PNM, Politics, UNC | 4 Comments »

Socceroos go down to Italy

Schwarzer looks on in defeat

Australia’s Socceroos got the short end of the stick today in their second round World Cup match against Italy. It was a great macth and very hotly-contested but the Australians were brought down, not by a goal, but by a terrible decision by the referee Luis Medina to award a penalty when there should have been none. Fabio Grosso tripped over Australian Lucas Neill. In Spanish referee Luis Medina’s book however, that’s a foul and a penalty. And the thing is I remember the Spaniards complaining in Japan/South Korea 2002 that it’s the third world referees that are so bad. Sure they are…

And it has to suck for them. Because the Australians were doing a great job in Germany especially when the U.S. coach Bruce Arena try to bad-talk them and us saying that we were the weak links in the tournament. Since then the mighty 5th ranked US did worse in the tournament that T&T and left with just one point. Bruce Arena, try and hush yuh mouth next time, dread.

Anyway I feel it for the Aussies. They should not have lost in that manner.

In any case, do we here in Trinidad and the Caribbean really need Australia to be good at yet another sport that we play?

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Soca Warrior Rewards: Too Big or Too Little

Red Carpet reception

So here comes all the talk now about whether the rewards given to the Soca Warriors was way too much or way too little. And of course all this talk was expected. After the euphoria from Germany is all over we gather and backseat-drive decisions that were made. Of course the discussion now is like a dog chasing it’s tail; absolutely pointless. By the way, much kudos to the Trinidad Express for doing a story on the suitability of the rewards by interviewing the mother of perhaps the richest sportsman in Trinidad, Dwight Yorke. You all really dig deep to find your stories.

First of all you will never have every single citizen agreeing on what was right or what would have been right for that matter. So trying to please everyone is futile. Someone once said, “I don’t know what the secret to success is, but the secret to failure is to try to please everybody. I’m not a fan of the Government, however if the Government got together and offered them $1 million, then fine by me. All those who are complaining and second-guessing, please tell me this: What yardstick are you using? Does anyone remember one of Aesop’s fables called The Man, the Boy, and the Donkey?

The Warriors went to Germany. They played three brave matches and lost all of them. They didn’t score a goal in Germany. Does this mean that we are rewarding mediocrity?

When you consider that there are over 200 teams under FIFA’s control and we were good enough to make it to the tournament as one of the 32 teams invited, doesn’t it say that we are in fact above average even ever so slightly?

Most of these guys don’t get the million dollar salaries that people like Beckham and Larsson get, so why can’t the Government give them a hefty reward. Do we have to wait till West Ham snatches up another Shaka Hislop or Manchester United another Dwight Yorke? Let’s reward our own. We have the money, we have the stars. Let’s give them what they have due. And lets give back to them what they gave to T&T. Look at what we’ve been through these past few months and more specifically these past couple weeks. We thought, slept, drank and ate football. We’ve never been so united and so happy even in the midst of our crime wave.

Dwight Yorke

How much publicity did Trinidad & Tobago get at this World Cup? I’m sure without a doubt that hundreds of millions of people who did not know Trinidad & Tobago then, have it on their tongues now. People who thought Trinidad & Tobago was a country in Africa (and there are many who do) now know that it’s smack dab in the Caribbean.

And yet it’s not too little a reward. Remember this is a million dollars these guys did not have a week ago. And while they united a country and blah, blah, blah, they did it playing football. They didn’t solve our crime problem or juvenile delinquency or the drug trade. It was a great feat but they are still 23 individuals playing a game.

What the Government can really do to honour these Soca Warriors is what it chooses to do after the euphoria is over. What measures they can put into place to make sure that we are not one-hit-wonder. The real reward is what the Government can give not just to the footballers, but to football itself.

How great it will be when I can go to the United States and open my mouth to talk and not be confused for a Jamaican (and this has happened to me innumerable times before and I’m sure it’s happened to many of you). How great that day will be when a Jamaican man speaks in some European country and he’s immediately asked, “Hey are you from Trinidad?”

Oh, man I would give so much to make that come true.

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